5, 4, 3, 2, 1…. Blastoff!

This morning’s writing prompt… FRESH. Prepare a story about things that are brand new. Your latest zip code, spouse, haircut, or nose.Just-picked corn and country air and coats of paint.Out with the stale, and in with the freshly baked.Tales of reinvention, from love life shakeups to a test drive of the new and improved you!

I feel like this is the thread that ties all of these things on my heart

together. Where to begin? I am fresh, baby! The latest zip code… yep, it’s about a month old. Spouse… yep, I am getting married in three weeks. Haircut… yep, reinventing my style, and every trip to see Stan is something new. Nose? Nope, same nose, but everything else is new. I have a new hope, a new zip code, a new wardrobe, new style, a new partner, soon to be a new wife. I have a new career, a brand new motorcycle license, and a new love of Legos. Where to begin?

In all of this newness, this new life of mine, I think I’ll start with a new way of responding, a new way of being.

I’ve been working with a rockstar somatic body healer for the last few months. I don’t know all that happens on her table, but I sweat, I cry, I tingle, and I always feel 10 years younger and a 1,000 pounds lighter when I get up. One other beautiful nugget I gleaned from her is a way of communicating she uses with her husband. It’s a 1-5 rating system. If something isn’t that important or triggering to her she will rate it as a 1, 2 or maybe 3. However, if something is an absolute must for her she will give it a 5. This is a way to communicate to each other the urgency of some tasks or situations and to make compromising a bit easier. I’ve been thinking of this as it would have made some of my conversations with Kelly so much easier and less painful.

A few months ago we had a serious conversation about dishes in the sink. This is something that I have such a difficult time with. If I see dishes around the house or dirty dishes in the sink, all of my attention diverts to the dishes. It feels physically impossible for me to do anything else until the dishes are clean or in the dishwasher. It is like having to pee so badly that you can’t possibly think of anything else until you find a toilet. For me, this is a 5. I don’t have a great reason for it or can’t justify or explain it. Clearly I know that a dirty dish is not an emergency, but in my body it feels like an emergency to my nervous system. It feels like fingernails on a chalkboard to me. My whole body tenses and I just brace myself until the infliction (dirty dish) has been taken care of.

Kelly does not have this kind of reaction to dirty dishes in the sink. Maybe the opposite. While dirty dishes are a 5 to me, they may be a 1 to her… if that. So, as I was communicating my need to have the dishes put away or in the dishwasher, she felt that my expectations were a bit unrealistic. We have a 9-year-old, 2 dogs, and now a tortoise in the house. She, rightly so, argued that this is not going to be her priority. I totally get what she is saying, and it made me feel unheard and that my need was stupid or unimportant. And I kind of thought the same thing. I, too, was judging myself about being such a dick about the dishes. Geez, what is the big deal? I can’t answer that, other than to say, for me, it is a big deal.

So, that conversation led to some big breakdowns that took a few days to recover from. I think we came to an understanding and I lightened up on some expectations and Kelly made more of an effort with the laundry and dishes. I noticed that she made more of an effort and this felt so affirming to me. She heard me and she sees me. It made me feel like what is important to me, whether it makes sense or not, is also important to her. We made great progress and continued to fine-tune our sharing of domestic responsibilities.

Reading this card this morning gave me an “aha” moment. I thought back to our fight about the dirty dishes and then how we navigated a similar situation so differently the night before. I leaned over to Kelly at the coffee shop and shared the story of us both having a 5 moment at the same time. “Oh my gosh. I just thought of something,” I proudly shared with Kelly. “The other night we both had a 5 moment at the same time.” “What do you mean?” She asked. I refreshed her on the 1-5 rating scale and then reiterated that we both hit a 5 at the same time the night before. “Okay, tell me more,” she said. I could tell she was intrigued. “When I came into the kitchen to see if you needed help cooking dinner I noticed that the dishwasher hadn’t been emptied all day and the sink was full of glasses. I immediately tensed, but this time, I didn’t blame Kelly or get irritated at her. I realized this was very triggering to me, not to anyone in the house but me. For the first time, this wasn’t about what Kelly or Lucy did or did not do. This was about a bruise inside of me. So, I didn’t make anyone wrong, I just took care of myself and emptied the dishwasher and cleaned the dishes in the sink.

When I was in the middle of emptying the dishwasher, our 6-year-old boxer Otis walked into the kitchen. I immediately felt Kelly’s energy change and noticed her tense up. I knew she didn’t like the dogs in the kitchen, but thought it couldn’t be that big of a deal. It doesn’t bother me at all, in fact, I like having the dogs around. I sensed her getting upset and she said, “Molly, could you please get Otis out of the kitchen and find his collar?” Both dogs have a collar that beeps when they get close to the kitchen, thus keeping them out and Otis didn’t have his on. To be honest, I think the battery died in it or something because Otis has been finding his way into the kitchen with the collar on. I felt the energy and urgency in Kelly and took a deep breath. “Yes, of course,” I replied. But this time was different. I didn’t forsake my own emergency for Kelly’s emergency. This time, I finished the dishes and then found the collar and got a new battery in it. I didn’t think much more of it, until this moment at breakfast.

I said to Kelly, “When you asked me to fix Otis’ collar the other night I was in the middle of emptying the dishwasher. I can now see that Otis being in the kitchen was a 5 to you and the dishes in the sink was a 5 to me. We both had a 5 moment at the same time and we navigated it. This is a huge win!” I exclaimed. We both asked for what we needed and were able to move through the situation without being upset or angry at the other one.

In this moment I realized that the dogs in the kitchen are a 5 to Kelly. I don’t have this same reaction to this event but I absolutely know what a 5 feels like. Oh, this is how she feels. I immediately got it. And in sharing this with her she understood the dishes being a 5 for me. We both respect the 5 and will do what we can to ease that strain of whatever the situation may be causing. So, a few wins here. First, the 1-5 is a huge game changer for us. I’m about a 1 or 2 with making the bed in the morning. Kelly is a 3. This means that I prefer it to be made, but I’m not going to be late for something to make it. The dishes on the other hand, I will be late to make sure the dishes are clean. I love that we have an easy way to assess the importance and urgency that may be occurring for each other.

The other huge win was not first coming with judgment. Up until last night I felt that dishes in the sink were either Kelly or Lucy’s fault. I saw it as something harmful they were doing to me. They were disrespecting me and causing me harm because they didn’t put their dishes away. Suddenly, this whole thing occurred so much differently. When I looked into the sink I saw that it was triggering to me, and not to Kelly. This is something that is disturbed inside of me and has nothing to do with Kelly. This isn’t her fault. In fact, there is no fault, it is something that makes me really uncomfortable. I got in this moment that it is not Kelly’s responsibility to make sure we prevent a dirty dish camping out in the sink. It is my responsibility to manage my upset around it. I can take care of the dish, I can use a coping skill, take a breath or a walk, and calm myself down. This is such a game changer because if it is Kelly’s fault, I have to wait for Kelly to change for it to get any better. All my power is sitting with her. Yet, if I see this is my issue, this gives me dominion over it and I have 100% opportunity to make the situation different. One gives me access, the other gives me suffering.

Today, this morning, I was given the gift of fresh eyes. Today I got to see myself a bit clearer. I saw my wound around dishes and felt compassion and grace for myself. This has created so much suffering for me and I’ve held a lot of shame and guilt around this. I feel like a burden and a tough picky partner to be around when I get so grouchy about something as mundane as dishes. I felt compassion for the pain this has caused me and how much upset in relationship has resulted because of it. For the first time, I got to experience the sting of seeing the dishes in the sink and instead of getting angry, I got compassionate and loved myself right through it. Total game changer.

So, I gotta ask you… what is your 5?