I’m in a Thruple

I’ve had a shaky relationship with yoga, at best. There was a time when we were hot and heavy, seeing each other two to three times a day for over a year. The rest of my life was falling apart, and I thought yoga would save me. It didn’t. So, we broke up and didn’t talk to each other for years.

Now Kelly wants us to be in a thruple. I’ve dabbled a few times, and it didn’t seem to work out so well. She went all in and became an instructor, and I’m still on the sidelines, mostly watching. Do thruples ever work well for all concerned? Or is it a two loving it and the other doing more watching and feeling left out? Jury is still out on this for me.

Wednesday night is date night and it started a bit rocky after an incredibly stressful drive to drop Lucy off at hockey practice. Traffic, red lights, emergency vehicles, more than one car running red lights… it was a total shit show. It took a half hour to drive the 5.2 miles. We arrived all a bit frazzled and got the kiddo on the ice just before the start time. Phew. Hashtag: winning.

We both headed back to the car feeling a bit beat up. Hard way to start date night. “Well, where should we go?” One of us asked. At this point, I don’t even remember who asked. No great answers came out, and I felt my nervous system tighten as I ventured back through the gauntlet of traffic. Salad? No… I ate that for lunch, or breakfast I think. Maybe this is why I’m a bit on edge. I ate a salad for breakfast and then forgot about lunch. Tacos? No. I know, I know! Total shocker I would say no to tacos. I guess it is possible to get a bit burned out on them.

Then it hit me… (sidetone: every time I write “it” I end up typing “tit.” What is this telling me? Yep, probably that I’m super gay and have tits on the brain. I digress).

It hit me… “I feel like an egg roll,” I declared. “Oh, yes,” Kelly immediately shrilled back. I love this girl. We settled on Hawkers Asian Street Food.

We made it back through the shit show of 5 pm downtown Nashville and to the equally stressful Hawkers parking situation. There are about 5 spots (I’m sure more, but trying to make my story sound good) to park in front of the building– always full. Next to Hawkers is Bolton’s Spicy Chicken and Fish. This place has a whole lot of empty spaces. And it is a walk-up place with a few picnic tables outside. There must be something here I am missing, but more than once I have played the game of truth or dare and decided to park at Bolton’s when… yes… busted, I was eating at Hawkers.

We played the game again and after parking, moving, and then parking again we settled into a nice table inside. Our friendly waiter Eddie came over and so politely introduced himself, “Hello. My name is Eddie and I’ll be serving you tonight.” Without missing a beat Kelly shot right back, “Hi Eddie. I’m Kelly.” This took Eddie back a bit. He was going to say his next line, I’m sure, “Can I get some drinks started for ya’ll?” But instead, he paused and then looked at me. “What is your name?” I told him and we had a nice meet and greet with each other.

Fast forward, egg rolls and fried rice are served and eaten and Eddie brings our check along with a little paper bag. “I wanted to let you know that I introduce myself all night long and no one ever introduces themselves to me. It was such a pleasure to meet you both and I wanted to give you both a bag of our donuts on me as a thank you for meeting you both.” Are you kidding me? Kelly scored us free donuts by extending a courtesy. How cool. Hashtag: Super winning.

We (I) enjoyed a donut ball walking to the car and we quickly buried to our next stop, yoga. No, it wasn’t yoga it was something like meditation, affirmations, tantric something. The fact that I cannot even tell you what we did says a lot. I wasn’t super excited to go, but Kelly was all about it and anyone who invites me to a self-improvement anything, I’m in. Here I am ready to open my heart chakra and yet, my brain is a hard no. I sit down on the mat and like clockwork my back lights on fire. Shit! It is burning so fucking badly that my eyes start to water and I instantly have a headache. “How can I get out of this?” I wonder. Say I have a headache? It works for sex, right? I try a few stretches and it only seems to be getting worse. We are about ready to start (note we have not yet started) and I am already dying. How am I going to sit here for an hour? I AM IN PAIN! We start out with questions and my hand shoots up in the air. “Ummm…. Each time I sit down on the mat my back feels on fire. Is there something I’m doing wrong?” Three people including the instructor all jump in… “Oh, just sit on the edge of a pillow.” Three or four pillows end up heading my way along with a blanket. “Well, I can make myself a comfy bed and take a nap,” I think to myself. Suddenly I want my own bed so badly. I want to go home, put on my sweats and a hoody and crawl in my nice warm, soft bed. How can I escape this torture chamber of a mat???

We start and I cannot do this. I am usually the teacher’s pet of the group and follow every step to perfection, or the best of my ability. I NEVER take the modified option and always do every… single… step. I want to win at yoga and it’s like Guitar Hero… you can’t miss a beat. So, We start with taking a deep breath in and already I’m a no. That hurts. Yes, breathing hurts so I’m not doing that. I lay down on the mat. It’s been one minute and 14 seconds and I’m in final shavasana. Oh my god! This feels amazing. I am lying on a hard floor with the thinnest mat in the world and I am in heaven. My mind feels empty, which never happens. I’m like a hamster on a wheel during meditation, running my thoughts crazy. But tonight, nothing. My mind is completely blank. I totally zone out. I don’t know if I fell asleep or what happened but a while later I came to and noticed they were doing some cat, cow thing. I decided I would jump back in. I got on my hands and knees and it felt like white lightning. What the fuck? My knee was now on fire. “Fuck this,” I thought, “back to shavasana for me.” I laid back down and again, was immediately somewhere else. A while later, I heard the mention of getting your journal out. I love journals so much. Even though I forgot mine I grabbed a scrap piece of paper and tried to follow along. Nope. I was back down and out for the count. Next thing I know, Kelly was putting on her shoes.

I slept or zoned out or brilliantly meditated for the entire hour or hour and a half… I have no idea how long it was. I could have stayed there for hours. I still don’t know if I was sleeping or in a meditative state. Kelly said she looked over at me several times and it looked like I was awake. Who knows. All I know is that was THE BEST FUCKING YOGA OR WHATEVER session of my life! I felt so rested, clear, and healed walking out of that class. And another thing. This was the first time I listened to my body and made what was happening on the mat not a series of how well can I please you and follow the leader, but my own practice. Last night I owned the mat and did what my body needed to do, shavasana. For the first time in my life I didn’t do the practice at all and yet I think I actually did the practice for the first time. Hashtag: winning.