Intentions. Prepare a story about the best-laid plans. As I sit at my desk, laptop open, blank screen, my coffee nearly finished, I’m faced with it. Writing. Funny, not funny. I started an MFA in creative writing program at Chatham University in the fall. And guess what happened to my writing? It stopped. I’ve struggled to face the page, the screen. Today is the first day back.

Why? This is something I love to do. I express myself better through the written word. I love to let my thoughts breathe, to take time with the words I want to choose. Sometimes words swim in my mind and are difficult to catch. Writing seems to make sense of it all. So, why have I stopped writing? Fear.

I lost my voice to perfection. As I started receiving feedback on my writing at school, the words slowed and then stopped. Shocker, my writing has room for improvement. Isn’t this why I applied for an MFA in creative writing program? To improve my writing. And, yes, the professors offered ways to improve my writing. And I shut down. It’s not perfect. I guess part of me diluted myself into thinking it was that good. And if it’s not the best, I won’t do it all.

Hmmm. Where else has this showed up in my life? Full out belly laugh––everywhere. I needed to get A grades as a kid, and well, as an adult. Anything less than an A, even an A-, would send me spinning. What did I do wrong? What did I miss? I should have done better. This became a hypervigilance in my life, scanning for everything I’ve missed, done wrong, or not well enough. I’m constantly grading myself and others, all the time.

This morning, I caught myself doing it. On the way to the kitchen to make Leo breakfast, the thoughts, the scanning, began. I bet Leo left the ice cream out last night. I’ll have to throw it away, even though I reminded them. Why didn’t they remember to bring their folders home from school. I’m going to have to track it down, again, with the air tag. Ugh. I made it to the kitchen and the ice cream was not left out. Why did I create this suffering for myself? Why did I start my morning with judgment? In this space I am irritable, controlling, and easily disappointed. I’d like this to be different.

I stopped drinking 8 years ago. I didn’t ask for help or go to AA. I just willed myself to stop and it worked. I haven’t had a drink since. And lately, I’ve found myself craving alcohol again. I want something to numb these thoughts. To escape. So, I chose to attend a 12-step program. Maybe I do need help. Maybe I can’t, or don’t want to, do this on my own. I’m currently working step 3, surrendering my life to a higher power.

Shit. Turns out I like control, A LOT. I’ve started my day with scanning since I was a kid. Scanning for anything out of place, incorrect, or not good enough. Somehow, I’ve held the belief that if I can get everything right, everything in its place then I will be at peace. I’ve put a lot of things in order over the years and peace isn’t how I’d describe my experience. So, it’s time for something new. Surrender.

What does turning my life over to a higher power even mean? I’m not quite sure. Today I want to come back to Substack, to write. And I didn’t know where to start, so I asked spirit. Draw a card. So, I grabbed my deck of Storytelling cards and let spirit guide my writing today, Intentions. “Tell us about a time you had to scrap your agenda.” Well done spirit. Today, I’m scrapping my agenda and letting spirit lead.

I’ve had the best laid plans most of my life. I’ve worked really fucking hard. I’ve made good money and earned some really good grades. I’ve kept my houses clean and tidy, my car spotless, and my bills paid. I’ve come a long way in my 50 years. And I’m ready for something new. I no longer want my life to be driven by order, by control. I’m ready for freedom, grace, divine guidance, and forgiveness.

Again, today is step one. I don’t know a lot of things; I’m not sure what surrendering my life and will to a higher power actually looks like or how to do it. I will take it one day at a time, one step at a time. This morning it started with letting the cards lead me. What if I keep taking the next guided step, and then the next?

I’m not perfect. This post isn’t perfect. And yet, it exists. Today, I wrote. Today I made a different choice and here is a different result. I’m happy to share my thoughts and would love to hear yours. Thanks for reading, for following, and for your patience and understanding during this pause.

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change. The courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.