Facing the Darkness: How I Turned Fear into Self-Trust

November 29, 2023

Facing the Darkness: How I Turned Fear into Self-Trust

Today, I made it. For the first time, I found my way to my meditation room. It’s a bit humorous to announce that I have a meditation room; it sounds as if some part of me is yogi-ish. I feel so far from that. I haven’t meditated consistently, maybe ever. I’ve been a dabbler. I’ve been interested not committed. I’ve wanted to want to meditate. You know what I mean? I want to be this person, and I’m just not.

Meditation sounds like such a great idea, and I feel better when I do it. I’ve also experienced maddening sessions on the pillow where my mind seems to go into overdrive, becoming racier than when I sat down. That is what I fear and what keeps me away; I’m scared of my mind. It hasn’t always been nice to me, and there were a few decades when it tortured me with all the ways I sucked, wasn’t good enough, and didn’t belong. We’ve come a long way since the days of suicidal desperation, and yet, I’m still scared of going back there. I fear that somehow the quiet time on the pillow, the letting go and getting quiet will sit me face to face with the darkness. If I’m honest, I’m terrified.

This fear has kept me away. It feels a bit ironic; perhaps meditation is the elixir for strengthening my mind and the keys to mental health, and yet, I fear depression and mental illness when I think about getting on the pillow. It’s been 13 years since I started the journey of healing from suicidal depression and about 6 years since I’ve had serious thoughts of suicide. I just looked it up, September 30, 2017, is the last time I came close to taking my life; it’s also the last time I took a drink. It’s been six years, and still, I’m afraid of going back there. I fear relapse more than I care to admit. And so mostly I avoid this. I keep my mind busy and stick to what I know works – writing, getting outside, running, reading, friends, traveling, and journaling. I stick to it, but really I’m clinging onto it for dear life. I’m terrified that if I don’t do all the things that help me in recovery, I’ll fall back into the darkness, the despair, and the depression.

Finding my way to the pillow this morning has me realizing all of this. I didn’t realize the level of my fear or the grip it still has on me. I didn’t appreciate the cost I was still paying by avoiding and hiding from it. I’m still not free as I hide in terror. It’s time. I’m tired of being afraid of it, of pleasing it, of walking on eggshells.

When I sat down to meditate this morning, I opened the Calm app. It’s my go-to, as many of the meditations are guided, which has been a good compromise for facing the silence of my mind. This morning I stumbled on a Tamara Levitt (she is my favorite on Calm) series, “Relationship with Self.” With each session at 10 minutes, it feels doable. I clicked on the first session, “Self-Trust.” As I sat on the pillow, in my meditation room (a nook behind the master bathroom), actually doing it – meditating this morning, my mind filled with inspiration. “This is perfect!” I thought. I can write my experience for the next 15 days and come up with a great series for growing my relationship with myself. I thought about all the ways I could serve others with my learning. What I didn’t count on was the ways I would meet myself, grow my own relationship with myself, and build self-trust. Maybe I’ve used this as a way to hide – always looking through the lens of how will this serve others. Maybe it’s time to turn the mirror around and do some deep looking, spend time with the relationship with myself, and build self-trust.

Here is the thing, I don’t build self-trust by avoiding, hiding, and pretending. I build self-trust by facing the fear with grace, gentleness, support, and openness. Yes, Glennon Doyle, we (I) can do hard things. I can show myself that my mind is not something I need to continue to fear or hide from. I’m not even remotely the same person I was 6 years ago, not even close.

So, where to begin? How do we build self-trust? How do we start to face the thing that has been too hard to face? At least, up until now. We do it in small steps. Taking on the whole thing is overwhelming and paralyzing. Yet, when we start with the one piece before us today, it is doable. I will start building trust with myself by setting an intention. First is the awareness that I want to make this change, and second is setting an intention. My intention is to complete the 15-day meditation “Relationship with Self” series, writing my experience each day.

This is the direction I am communicating to spirit that I’m heading. Spirit meets us at the point of action, and this is giving my word to action. Self-trust is not built just by completing the 15 days. I used to think that was how it was done, and I’d force myself in unkind ways. It wasn’t loving at all. Self-trust is built in how I relate to myself over the next 15 days as I navigate this intention. Am I hard on myself? Powering through regardless of what surfaces? Am I listening to myself? Am I course-correcting as obstacles appear? Think of going on a bike ride. If I set out the first time and tell myself I’m going for a 50-mile ride NO MATTER WHAT, what are the chances I’ll ever want to get back on the bike? What if I set out and never allow myself to stop, rest, get water, or even look around at the beautiful sites? Will this build trust with the bike and a lifelong love of riding? No way. I’ve learned this one the hard way and see that how you do anything is how you do everything. Building trust with self is the same. It’s about taking it one step (or pedal) at a time. It’s about listening. It’s about patience, kindness, love, and making adjustments as necessary.

It seems small, but this has been an enormous shift in how I relate to myself and operate in the world. For so long, I subscribed to the “no pain, no gain” philosophy and pushed myself for perfection and excellence. I even named my business, Peaks of Excellence. That really cracks me up now. I forced myself past the point of exhaustion, over and over again. The tough thing is that this produced great results. I earned three master’s degrees, enjoyed the fruits of several successful careers, and earned many accolades along the way. It seemed like this was a great way to move through the world and what I was supposed to do. Yet, this way of being damaged my relationship with myself. It cost me self-trust, inner knowing, freedom, joy, and most importantly, authentic self-expression. I was cranking out the results and nailing the goals, but I was not being loyal to my own soul. How about you? Have you been operating from the goal line or soul line?

I don’t want to do that anymore, forsake myself. And yet, it feels so difficult to know how to move through the world without using the goal-line model. How do I get anything done? Why do I feel so lazy? So unproductive? So useless? And why do I keep eating so much sugar? I worry that I’ve lost my edge. Will I still matter to people if I’m not producing? Will I become irrelevant? The fears surface as I continue to let go and lean into a new way of being.

Self-trust seems like a perfect place to start. I want to do this; I want to rebuild trust in myself. I want to set an intention and listen to myself, my body, my spirit, and my heart as I move through it. My mind doesn’t always tell me the truth, so I will spend more time listening to my heart, my inner counselor (the wise-knowing part within), and connecting with myself. I will listen when I’m tired, frustrated, discouraged, or inspired. I will check in with myself and take the time to listen. I will stop when I’ve done enough. I will stop when I’ve done enough (I needed to hear this one twice). I will renegotiate as necessary and do this in a way that honors myself. And I know I will stumble… a lot.

Right now, it is difficult for me to walk the line of honoring myself. How do I know if I’m avoiding, hiding, or truly tired? If I don’t just push through, how can I know it will ever get done? I fear I’ll end up on the couch watching daytime soaps and weighing 1,000 pounds. How do I work with myself without being a hard ass? Funny, I’m learning the same exact thing in parenting. I thought I had to be mean and hard to parent and rule with an iron fist. And yet, that really sucked for me and Lucy. It didn’t work at all, and the stick was very ineffective. Turns out the carrot works a lot better. I can use this with myself as well. How can I treat and delight in myself as I create? Rather than threaten, punish, and take away?

Let’s make a game out of it. Let’s give this a try for 15 days and just see what happens. Let’s play with it, and if it doesn’t work, we can always come back to beating the shit out of ourselves. But for the next 15 days, we will try on something new and see how it fits. Let’s give spirit a chance to meet us and see what happens. If we use love and grace, will anything happen? Will we become soft and turn into a pile of mush? Let’s see. Let’s have fun and experiment. What do we have to lose? Maybe 15 days of cranking out results? I’m willing to take the risk. Are you?

I’ve found the absolute best coaches on the planet walk the line of fierce and loving. They speak the truth, say the hard things, hold you to what they know you are capable of, and love the shit out of you through it. This is how I want to show up for myself. I want to face the hard truths. I want to acknowledge where I’ve fallen short, learn and grow. I want everything for myself and to be the fullest expression of myself. I don’t want to play small and hide in fear. I want to go all out and see the furthest reaches of myself. I want to be fierce with myself in the most loving way. And I know this will take practice. It will take showing up, doing the work, making some big mistakes, picking myself up again, and getting back out there. It will take getting messy, and I’m up for that. It will take looking like a fool, and I’m ready to dive in.

Who is with me? Anyone? I’m heading on an adventure of deepening my relationship with myself and would love to create a community as I go along. Who wants to play? Here is the map of where we are going: